蔡燕红4月8日初稿：
The Beijing municipal government made it a rule that all the private cars were forbidden to run on the road in downtown on one of the weekdays during the Olympics. It worked. In my opinion, Shanghai municipal government can follow the example during 2010 Expo.
First of all, the policy carried out helps to relieve the traffic jams. At the same time, foreign visitors can enjoy themselves without worrying about traffic jams during the Expo.
What’s more, it is no wonder that it will contribute to the emission reduction. Consequently, the less do private cars run on the road, the cleaner is the sky.
Last but not least, it is also beneficial to raise awareness of environment protection. As a member of our society, everyone has responsibility to protect environment.
After I take all these factors into consideration, it is not surprising that I am always in favor of such an opinion that Shanghai municipal government can carry the policy out. （161 words）
笔者对此初稿的评论：The structure is made very clear with the help of these phrases, “First of all, what’s more, last but not least” and the essay is logic, which helps make your point clear and straightforward. However, please consider the following questions. 1st, Is the policy already carried out? Would it be better if we change “the policy carried out” into “the policy to be carried out”? 2nd, Is the sentence pattern “it is no wonder that …难怪…”proper? 3rd, Does “the more…, the more…” sentence pattern have inverted orders?
4月15日修改稿：
The Beijing municipal government made it a rule that all the private cars were forbidden to run on the road in downtown on one of the weekdays during the Olympics. It worked. In my opinion, Shanghai municipal government can follow the example during 2010 Expo.
First of all, the policy to be carried out will help to relieve the traffic jams. There is no doubt that the number of private cars will be decreased so foreign visitors can enjoy themselves without worrying about traffic jams during the Expo.
What’s more, there is no doubt that it will contribute to the emission reduction. Consequently, the fewer private cars run on the road, the cleaner the sky is.
Last but not least, it also helps raise the awareness of environmental protection. It is universally acknowledged that every citizen has the responsibility to protect the environment.
In brief, this kind of policy is essential during the Expo. It is true that there will be some disagreements over the policy, or even complaints about the inconvenience brought about by the policy, but our efforts will pay when the Expo proves to be a success. (190 words)
笔者对此修改稿的评论：Better! This is a great improvement on the previous one in that mistakes in the choice of words, phrases and sentence patterns are avoided. And what I like most is your ending, which highlights not only the difficulty but also the importance of the application of this policy.
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